Thursday, 7 July 2011

Things I know about taking a fast ferry to France on a choppy sea that I didn't know before

1. Appreciate the beauty and cleanliness of your clothes. Don't they look pretty? Don't they smell nice? Take a good look in the mirror. While you're at it, why don't you take a picture?

2. Appreciate fresh air and firm ground. Doesn't it smell nice? Go on, take a deep breath. Feel how solid the ground is... Doesn't it feel good?

3. Try to remember the advice that a helpful friend gives you at the time. The moment when your kids' puke is dripping from your ears and seeping into your underwear is not the time to remember that your friend told you that on no account should you give the kids anything to eat or drink before your ferry crossing.

4. Take wipes. Lots of wipes. Packets and packets and packets of wipes.

5. Preferably lemon-scented ones. Do Frebreze to travel size bottles? You might want to take that too.

6. Take a change of clothes. Make that two changes of clothes. Each. 

7. If you're wondering why the boat staff fill the sick bag holders full to brimming. Now you know, stupid.

8. Don't sit in an area with lots of other kids. This isn't because you don't like kids, you love kids! But just as yours have finished emptying the contents of their stomach all over you they will fall asleep on you. You, on the other hand, won't be able to do anything except sit and marinate (I don't need to tell you what in, right?) Meanwhile, every other kid was watching yours, and one by one...

9. Finally, marry a man with sea legs. Otherwise, while the kids are using you as a toilet bowl your husband will just about manage to throw a packet of wipes in your general direction before holding his head in his hands and turning a shade of green you've never seen before.

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