5 Reasons I know I'm a Mother

Thanks to Kate Takes 5 for the inspiration for this one!

5 Reasons I know I'm a Mother

1. I've got tomato sauce on my new white top

2. Only one eyebrow is plucked, the other will probably have to wait a week

3. I have just received a very snotty kiss

4. I actually like cold coffee (as in coffee-gone-cold not frappuccino)

5. Sorry, what were you saying?

Help! My Baby Won't Sleep

Sleep is like a best friend you hang out with every day, whose company you love, whose presence you take for granted. You don't miss it...

...until it's gone.

Even when you are expecting sleep to disappear, say, in those first few weeks and months as a new parent, it never occurs to you that actually, the relationship between you and sleep will break down for a long, long time.

I spent many a tortuous week analysing my son's refusal to sleep; keeping a diary in which I closely monitored everything that went into his mouth (and out the other end) in the hope of finding a tenuous link; writing down the times he woke up and the length of time he stayed awake, desperately trying to figure out the the cause of the waking and thus the solution. I was close to a nervous breakdown before I finally threw in the towel and accepted that sleep and I? We were over.

So I focused, instead, on coping strategies:

1. Long walks. Every morning I'd get up, get dressed, and go out for a long walk. And at around 4pm, when the strain of looking after two babies would be close to toppling me, I would pile my toddler and baby into the double pram and walk again (sometimes for an hour or more). Somehow, walking became a kind of meditation that eased the pain of exhaustion.

2. Acceptance. I relinquished any notion of getting back to a "normal life" and got down to basics. The only way to get more sleep was to be in bed for longer, so I ate tea at 5pm with the children, then went to bed at 7.30pm, shortly after they did. I would be up around seven times in the night, and anything longer than a 90 minute stretch of sleep was a bonus, but with this strategy, I could aggregate up to seven hours of sleep.

3. Nytol Night. For the occasional night my husband/sister would step in as night-nanny. I would take a sleeping pill and would be left blissfully undisturbed until morning. A life-saver.

4. Like-minded individuals. It's a lonely business being up throughout the night, but there are hundreds of mums going through exactly the same thing. I talked to them in online forums, read their stories, commiserated with them, and felt better.

5. Priorities. The state of the bathroom/ironing pile/returning to my freelance work could all wait. Raising small people was my primary job, getting through the day in one piece was my secondary. I had the rest of my life to iron. And if someone asked: "What can I do to help?" I'd point them in the direction of the hoover.

6. Assistance. I ASKED FOR HELP. Apart from your long-suffering partner, no one else has a clear view of what you're going through. I rang my sisters and cried my eyes out. I said I couldn't go on another minute, even though I knew I could, and I did. They came, they cooked, they babysat.

7. Mantras. I could have tattooed "This too Shall Pass" on my forehead. It seemed like it would never end and it helped to tell myself that, before I knew it, it would be ME getting THEM up in the morning, nagging them about their room, and going up the stairs ten times before they actually got out of bed. I would tell myself: THIS WILL END.

AND IT DID END. My son is three now, and last night I got eight hours sleep, and the night before that, and the night before that...

Why I love Toddlers, Part 2

Since bemoaning the end of the toddler years in my house, starting here, I've been reminiscing about some other things I shall miss... 

1. There is nobody, repeat nobody, else in my life, who, on a roughly half-hourly basis, runs into the kitchen, throws themselves into my arms and says "I yuv you" with complete sincerity.

2. The Duke points to the sky every time he sees a plane, and EVERY time, without fail, he yells, "WOCKET! Look, Mummy, a WOCKET!"

3. My much older, 4 year old, girl doesn't kiss and cuddle me anymore. If I ask (and I have to ask or I don't get) she pauses for a moment. Weighing up the probability, I'd hazard a guess, as to the likelihood of any cuddle being rewarded by something tasting of, covered in, or containing, chocolate. The toddler, on the other hand, regularly says "I want you mummy, Stay mummy, I want a snuggle mummy." Music to my ears.

4. You get to inhale the wonderful smell that is Playdoh – and be instantly transported back twenty thirty years. You  get to play Playdoh hairdressers again, heck, you get to play with Playmobil again. You know, strictly in the name of childhood-learning-through-play of course.

5. They're certifiably insane.

Exhibit A:

Cue bashing head on wall, door, sofa...

5. Sleep. They can sleep anywhere. Rolled up like an Egyptian mummy in their sheets; splayed horizontally across the bed; face down, bum up in the air... They can fall out of bed...and carry on sleeping.
My kingdom to be able to sleep with such wild abandon.

6. My highlight of the morning is the two slurps of coffee I get while it's still hot. His highlight of the morning is putting a rice crispie up his nose.

7. Their diction. They get words wrong, they can't pronounce stuff, specifically, in his case, every 'l' is a 'y'
Akcha-yee (Actually)
Nearyee (Nearly)
and my personal favourite,
mummy you "got-for" your drink (forgot)

Sigh, they grow up so fast... 

Legs Eleven

A meme! I didn't even know what one was, I had to look it up.  The lovely Mummy Central tagged me, so not one to pass up a challenge, here goes, without further ado..

11 Things you didn’t know about me

The rules are as follows:

• You must post these rules
• Each person must post 11 things about themselves
• Answer 11 questions the ‘tagger’ listed for you
• Create 11 new questions, and tag 11 people to answer them
• Let each blogger know you’ve tagged them

1. I speak 11 languages.

2. Actually I'm kidding, it's only one (other than English)
3. But I'd really like to speak 11 languages, imagine the possibilities...
4. I've lived in three different countries and spent a significant life-changing amount of time in two others
5. I had to share a tent with a man I didn't know very well once...

6. ...and I married him three years later
7. Talking of three, I'm a triplet
8. And we all look the same.
9. Well, actually since I'm the only one with kids I look about ten years older than they do.

10. I creep into my children's rooms at night and whisper I love them in the hope that it works as subliminal messaging.
11. Since I had children I blub at the slightest things, I can't even watch OBEM.


Mummy Central's Questions were:

1. If you could swap lives with someone for a day, who would you choose?
David Cameron, no honestly, I would, just to see what it was like.
 2. What is the most important thing you’ve lost?
Love
3. You win a million in the Lottery. What’s the first thing you’d do?
Figure out who to give some to and how much
4. How many Facebook friends do you actually speak to on a regular basis?
Um, five?
5. What was your biggest misconception about motherhood/fatherhood?
That it would be easy, pah!
 6. What is the most important thing blogging has taught you?
That there are lots of us out there sharing the same experiences
 7. Who’s your hero – and why?
My husband. Because he's unflinchingly principled and honest. And someone once said he looked like Tom Cruise.
8. If you could choose to be reincarnated as an animal, which one would you be?
An eagle
9. What’s your best moneysaving tip?
Do you really need to buy that. Really?
10. What advice would you give yourself, if you could go back 20 years in time?
In twenty years time most of this won't matter.
11. What’s your biggest pet hate?
Rudeness.

Ok, so now it's YOUR turn

1. The very funny http://www.midthirtieslife.com
2. The hugely entertaining http://northernmum.wordpress.com/
3. The feisty http://onefeistymama.wordpress.com/
4. The very busy http://chickensinpeckham.wordpress.com/
5. Right back at yahttp://www.mummycentral.com/
6. The hugely readable http://mothersalwaysright.wordpress.com
7. The excellent http://holliesmiths.blogspot.com
8.  The got-a-book-out-you've-gotta-read-if-you've-got-a-toddler http://joannemallon.typepad.com
9. yeah I know, it's not 11, but if I don't post now I never will...


With these questions:


1. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
2. How long before you shouted at your kid(s) today?
3. Are you a three-night wine ban household or a wine-all-week-keep-it-flowing?
4. To middle name or not to middle name?
5. What's your favourite kids' dessert?
6. To live in a houseboat on an estuary... what's your dream place to live?
7. Neighbours or Home and Away?

8. Wolverine or Captain Jack Sparrow?
9. When the sun comes out you...
10. If I wasn't a [insert career] I'd be...
11. Smile, and the world smiles with you... :-)

Little Miss is always Right

You can often find me saying, 'you don't need to argue with me about this,' to Little Miss.

Because she just has to be right. And, you know, she's FOUR, so she knows everything and there's absolutely nothing that can be usefully gained from listening to mummy. 

For example, in a recent drawing-on-hands incident:

'BUT' says a triumphant Little Miss, after spending a few seconds mulling over mummy explaining that ink is meant for paper, not for hands

'BUT,' she says, Hands On Hips, 'it's not INK on my hands mummy,

...it's PEN.'

So there.

The thing about Valentine's...

is that yes, it's kind of false romance.

Why should I do something romantic just because someone has decided I ought to? is what my husband says.  And yes, in straightened times the last thing we need to do is to go out and spend money on, well, let's face it, complete tat.

BUT

if we don't do Valentine's day, even if it's just a gesture: a card, a bunch of flowers, when would we do it otherwise? When would be buy something to convey the message I love you (still).

Exactly. We probably wouldn't. Because life gets in the way.

So I don't think I'm alone in saying that I was thrilled to be presented with a bunch of red roses (sparkling no less) and some pink fizzy stuff to mark the day.

The Silent Partner

Imagine, if you will, that you run your own business.

Your business consists of child-rearing and house-keeping, and you have two clients, one aged four and one aged two, plus one house to keep.

You work 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Your two clients give you random appraisals, which go either way, depending on which way the wind is blowing, but basically, go against you.

Imagine that your business has a silent partner.

He does not have much hand in the day-to-day running of your business, except on weekends. Your silent partner tends to be there in the first hour of the running of your business, and the last half an hour.

The overall success of the business, then, is basically entirely down to you.

Occasionally, your silent partner takes a week off from his other business, and joins you in the running of your business.

His appraisals are glowing. Every morning your two clients head straight to your silent partner to give him his first appraisal of the day – huge cuddles and lots of kisses. You are swiftly dispensed with, because you are only really of any use when it comes to finding breakfast. Your silent partner, meanwhile, gets snuggled to within an inch of his life.

You go on days out. This should be fun! But all day your two clients reject your hand-holding, your cuddles, your very presence.

Back home, you presence is only required for as long as it takes to make dinner, and you are only approached with the words "I'm hungry" and "Where's my dinner?"

It's time to face facts: you may as well not be there.

So you make a decision. The next time your silent partner takes a week off work, you're going to Barbados. By yourself. For the whole damned week.