Least favourite conversation of the week...

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We're in the bathroom, Little Miss and I. I'm brushing my teeth, putting face cream on, plucking my eyebrows, you know, the usual things us women do to make ourselves look better. Little Miss has been watching me carefully. And pipes up with:

"You're not beautiful Mummy"

She may as well have driven a stake into my heart.

I nearly choke on my toothpaste.

"Oh, really?" I splutter. "Um, well, that's not um, very nice."

but I have to know...

"Why isn't Mummy beautiful?

"Because you haven't got fings on your eyes."

I haven't got a clue what she means. But then I realise...

"Oh, you mean I haven't got any make-up on."

"Yeah," she says.

And this next bit is utterly shameless

"But is Mummy still pretty?"

"Yes Mummy, course you are."

Christ. My self-esteem is resting in the hands of a three-year-old. 

I'm not trying to be sexist, but

I'm not trying to be sexist here, but men can't find stuff.

Ok, let me temper that sentence a bit. The men I live with can't find stuff.

If ever I see husband rooting through cupboards and drawers I immediately ask him what he's looking for, because I know that he won't find it whereas I'll probably find whatever it is in like, a nanosecond.

And the Duke is showing exactly the same lack of talent when it comes to finding things. Let me give you an example:

He likes crackers does our Duke, so he can often be found saying "kaka" to me hopefully. And he will usually get one. Today, I gave him a cracker, yet not two seconds later he's back again imploring me for a "kaka".

"But you've already got one" I say.

"Kaka!" he says

"But Duke, I've just given you one!"

"Mummy! Kaka!" he says, tears welling up in his eyes, "Peese!"

I look at him

he looks at me

"Duke" I say

"Yes?" he says, in that baleful way only he knows how

"It's in your hand?"

"Mmmm?" he says

"It's in your hand, Duke"

He looks at his hand and, hey presto, there's the cracker, and it's been there all along...

And off he trots

Coffee 'n' Cake

Is it a terrible indictment of my parenting that firmly ensconced in my 20-month-old boy's list of first sentences is:

"Mummy? Coffee. Cake."

Pause

"Pees?"

Because I Said So

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"Because I said so!" and derivations thereof, are pretty frequently uttered phrases in our home.

Because every command is followed a "Why?" and well, you get fed up of giving everything an explanation and think "I'm going to stamp some authority around here", so you say:

"Because I told you to."

"But Mummy," says Little Miss

"I didn't tell you to speak."

Friends

Like any mother, I'm keen to know whether my little one is making any friends at school, and what she thinks of the friends we already have.

So I was thrilled when, on the way to Ruby's house, she said: "I love Ruby".

"Ah, that's nice!" says I. And I want to find out more.

"So what is it you like about Ruby?"

I'm expecting a character analysis here, you know, "Ruby's nice" or "Ruby is friendly" or something along those lines but, what she likes about Ruby is:

"Her doll's house"

Clean

When oh when oh when oh when will I ever be clean again? I don't mean that my shower's broken, I mean that from the time I get up to the time I go to bed I get covered in...

The Duke uses me as his personal handkerchief every time his nose runs, which, let's face it, is ALL the time.

Little Miss reverts to her 2 year old self quite frequently saying: "Feed me" and wanting to sit on my lap...so that's the trousers covered

And simply during the process of that day's glueing, colouring, feeding and bathing I end up covered head to toe in glue, pen, food and...

...the  pièce de résistance was this morning when, while I was still in bed, the Duke crawled over me, only husband had omitted to change his very full nappy first...

Eugh!

Dobbing

Don't you just love it when kids dob themselves in?

We were walking along the high street and she was playing at pushing her (shiny new Christmas present) pram and baby in front of her and then running after it. This is fine along a high street of course, but not in the shops, so I say "don't do that now we're in the shop please" as we enter a Marks and Spencer.

But of course, as sure as night follows day she does it again, in the shop.

"You do that again and I'll take it from you Miss."

And I carry on shopping whilst watching her out of the corner of my eye. And as sure as night follows day...

"Right, that's it, I'm having that now."

"Nooo!" waaaaail "Nooo!"

"I told you if you did it again I would take the pram so now you can't have it until we're out of the shop."

"But I waaaant it." Waaaaaiiiil

"Then why did you do what I had told you not to?"

And without even hesitating Little Miss says: "because I thought you weren't looking Mummy."

Least favourite comment of the week...

..."Mummy, are you having a new baby?"

Time to dust off the New Year diet books...